I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
