There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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