After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
