i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
