My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
