Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You are a booty call, not a friend.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
