Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
