i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
