Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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