Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
