Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
