I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
