I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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