Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
