i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
