I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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