Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
