I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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