Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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