You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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