I wanna passion pit in your ass
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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