Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize