YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
