you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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