Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
