FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
