Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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