i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
vagina is talking i cant
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize