totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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