My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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