I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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