I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
