You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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