So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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