I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
