I just threw up on my dentist
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
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