I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
