I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
