Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Sorry my hands just texted you
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
