***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
