the condom got lost in my hair
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
