made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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