I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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