tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
His nipple licking is glorious
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