I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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