I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
