I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
