i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
