you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
