I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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