watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
