God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
