im six kinds of drunk right now
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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