I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
