the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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