wakey wakey hands off snakey
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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