i may or may not be watching the land before time
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
