hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
