First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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